| Just Rambling |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|02:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Just Chillin | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I never have any music...lol | ] |
Rich bought me a new book. he bought me a Harry Potter myth book, it's really cool. I started reading it when we were on our way home from Barnes and Noble. I would've read it all but I started to get car sick and I really hate that feeling. Today was pretty good. I felt sort of artsy and eclectic with the new shoes that I have. They look like a cross between oriental shoes and russian shoes. I felt like one of the cool arty people wearing them with my tan suede-y/velvet-y pants and a bright pink shirt. It was exciting. I'm a real big dork. I feel kind of out of the loop, because everyone else is getting ready for school and I'm just hanging around. I don't have anything major until the spring semester. I like the feeling but then at the same time I feel like I'm slacking off. I don't want anyone to think that I am, I'm not am I? No, I don't think I am, I think this break is exactly what I need. It'll give me the deisre to go back to school, it's already working I can't wait until the spring! I gotta try and find someone to give me voice lessons, I really want them. I don't want to lose what little talent I have. I wish I could take them with the same teacher Kim does, but I don't think she'd take me. I'm not talented like Kim or Betsy or any of the other people she probably coaches. That and she has this massive waiting list....so no luck for me. AH well. I guess stuff happens for a reason. Maybe I'll go on American Idol. Yeah right...Simon would tear me apart. He'd probably ask me how I ever landed a solo in any of our school productions. I wonder why I always feel so inferior to everyone else's musical gifts. Maybe because I don't really have the same sort of response they do. Like everyone loves Kim's voice, and she knows she has talent. I never really have anyone really enjoy hearing me sing. People just sort of put up with me. Maybe I should stop singing, I don't know. I love it so much, I don't think I could stop. I just hate feeling like I'm some second-rate Kareoke singer. Maybe if I got voice lessons I wouldn't feel that way...or maybe if I had gotten in to all-state at least once. I bet that would've made me feel better about my vocal prowess. I want to be a music teacher because I think I have a lot to teach and to share. Maybe I don't. I don't know. I know I love singing and I love music...I just wish someone would love to hear me. Maybe that's selfish. No I don't think so, I think selfish would be expecting everyone to love me...I don't do that, at least I don't think I do. It would just be soooo nice to be able to have that sort of appeal. Kim has it, it must be great. She's not arrogant about it either. That's one of my favorite things about her. She's humble. I wish I could be more like her, but I'm more reckless than she is. She's a lot more disciplined that me, I mean my parents raised me a lot like hers did even though everyone thinks I'm white trash now. I used to be a normal suberban kid like her. Now I'm not, now I live in a beat up trailer with too many people, but to be honest I wouldn't want it any other way. Sure there's yelling and some fighting, things rarely run smoothly but it's ok because at the end of the day I know I have a real home. I know people look down at me because I'm not "cultured" and sometimes it hurts, but I know I'm not stupid redneck white trash either. I think my problem is I crave and need acceptance. People tell me that's not true, but I know it is. I want to be loved and accepted, I want to be part of something. I never really have been so I don't understand what that's like. Even though Kim is my best friend in the whole frickin world she and I are very different. I don't think she needs me the way I need her. She has sooo many other friends and she can make so many more. I don't really have that I have Kim and I have Rich and that's about it. I feel bad writing this but I feel it and that makes me feel worse. Sometimes I wonder if Kim really means it when she says I'm one of her best friends. I remember what it was like having more than one, I kind of miss it. I used to like having a group and being able to talk to more than just 2 people. Rich loves me to death and I know that and I love him too, I love Kim to death too, but I wonder if she could just pick up her life and move on without me. Sometimes I think she could. It hurts to think that, but sometimes she's so distant and faraway from me that I don't even think she thinks of me as a friend. I don't like feeling that or thinking that, I just don't understand her. Maybe I just expect too much. I don't know. I know I'm still confused and I still feel crappy even though I wrote about it. I don't know I just want her to know I love her and I'm always her friend, she can always come hide from the world with me or we can go out arm in arm and conquer it. I just want her to know she's my best friend and she always has been. |
|
|
| Comments: |
From: (Anonymous)
2005-08-10 08:13 pm (UTC)
| (Link)
|
Hey babe you know I don't understand really why you feel like you aren't as good of a singer as you really are. I mean don't get mean wrong I know I'm your boyfriend but I'm telling you I really like hearing you and it's not because we are dating or anything like that you have a very hole voice if that makes sence. When listening to you I feel like everything just kind of goes away you are like your little screen name says a siren. Believe me I've gotten lost in you songs and never wanted to get out. I really don't hear any real differents from you and Kim. I mean you both really good and can do things that I know would end up hurting my voice. As far as the hole feeling like you want to be in a group you know that is normal. If you didn't feel like you wanted to belong to something then I would feel a little weird about that. I know what you mean too I was all into being into a big group but now I just have you and Kim myself and I wish I had somemore friends even though I love you both to death also. But then again I love just being able to have just you and Kim because then my life doesn't get filled with stupid stuff like someone talking behind you back or something really gay like that. I know once we all move to Albuquerque then we will be fine. We will be able to meet all the people that will match us cause god knows that the people in Los Lunas aren't like use. I don't wnat to sound cocky or anything but think about it most of the people here and I know this sounds kind of close minded but most of the people here are close minded and most of them are ether into doing drugs or sex and the people that are cool and are into the same stuff we are all spend most of there time in Albuquerque anyway. Oh yeah I forgot the redneck horse crap that for some reason always end up trying to be me friend. I really glad you like those shoes though they look good on you. I really glad you like the book I'm starting to get more into the hole book thing. 2 or 3 years ago and I would have rather spent my time drinking or some stupid crap like that. I don't know I guess all and all I'm just trying to say don't be so hard on you'r self and I know I need to listen to that to but I am trying and if we need to help eachother we can I don't mind going out of my way to help you. You know that. I love you very much and there is nothing that we can't do. I also suport you fully on anything that you want to do like becomeing that music teacher that you want to be and I know you'll be a really awsome and fun music teacher and I know this is kind of off topic my I know you'r going to be a really good mother too. You all ready are the best friend I could have and everyone know that there is no one else I would have rather fell in love with. So don't worry about stuff so much I'll be there if you need me to be. Oh yeah I almost for got to comment on the hole people think you's a redneck thing. People say stuff when they are afraid. You're not scary but people don't understand you because well you are smart for one and when people don't understand something then they for some reason feel the need to make fun of it. So I wouldn't worry about it last time I check Hitler did the same thing that these people here in Los Lunas are doing to so many other people. There just not taking it to the extream that Hitler did. I mean most people out here whether they like it or not act like the KKK in Florida. It's kind of sad that I this day and ago we haven't changed from the same mind set that people had when they were burning witches. But like I said it doesn't matter we are just smarted then a lot of people our age are. I once again don't mean to sound cocky but thats how I feel and it shows that people aren't that smart here. So don't let people get you down and let yourself beat yourself up you don't need that. I love you very much like I have told you from the start and I will talk to you later. Love you always.
Oh honey... don't feel bad, I know what you mean about that kind of stuff. You know damn good and well that you are one of my best friends, I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. Remember we tried this once before. You do have talent. You have a lovely voice and a lot of talent. There are so many things that you have to give back and to teach. You don't really know what you have.
I never really knew that you looked at me like that. I just didn't see myself that way...I've never been someone's...idol or role model I suppose...kinda cool actually.
But don't think that kind of stuff honey, cause you know that it's not true and it hurts us to hear you say that. I love you like my sister and you know that I would go to you with anything...big or small, bad or good, cause you're my Renee. Forever and ever, you're one of my best friends in the whole world.
I know you love me, I was just feeling crappy. I didn't really mean anything that I said, I was just upset. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I love you too!!
It's okay...I understand.
So that means that you don't admire me? I'm crushed now...*sniff sniff*
Of cousre I admire you...but I love you too. So that way it's not all weird and crazy, and stalking you.
Yay!!! I love you too honey. Yeah no kidding.
Sorry I was just re-reading and noticed something.
What don't you understand about me honey? You know that if you have questions, you're more than welcome to ask. I'm absolutely more than happy (how can anyone be "more than happy"? sounds like a dangerous mental condition to me) to answer them. | |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2){kind=small}
lily_siren's journal
